The Usher is reluctant to strike for his siblings and berates philanthropic lawyers
Monday
Staff in state of excitement today, a state not normally known to them, in fact very little gets them going except possibly fortunes of local football team (see diary passim) and appearance in court of a celebrity (usually one that any normal person has never heard of). Transpires that reason for said excitement is visit from a union official! And reason for said visit is possible strike! Strike of course means no work so naturally staff get excited. Doesn’t dawn on them that they don’t get paid for not working. Union official duly arrives, bringing own union issue soap box on which to stand (he is very small union official), and duly addresses us all as his brothers and sisters, although he is not like any brother I ever had. Tells us to withdraw our labour to help our ‘brothers and sisters’ in other parts of country who unfortunately are not as handsomely paid as we are. Since we are slightly below poverty level already have some sympathy for our siblings although remind self that said siblings do not have to fork out several arms and legs merely to have roof over heads. Do not feel great deal of sympathy for this request not to work and tell our union friend so. He mutters something about my conscience which is not something that normally troubles me.
Tuesday
Surprised to see one of our regular—and generally friendly and socially acceptable—solicitors entering court unusually (for her) early today. Remind her that our judiciary do not normally put in appearances until about one minute to ten—usually several minutes after to be precise. This solicitor seems ill at ease and clearly has major problem. Put avuncular arm round her—she not entirely without feminine charms—but this upsets her even more. Tell her she can confide in me; she however takes step back, draws herself up and says in surprisingly authoritarian tone that today she is in court as deputy district judge and could I please show her to her room and address her as ma’am(!). Not sure what to make of all this so plonk her in small spare room where we always put part-time (and therefore unimportant) judges. Her first case has two litigants in person, they ask “what is judge like?” Tell them she is like friendly little girl, they have nothing to fear, they can say what they like to her. They go in relieved. After case finishes go in to see how she got on, she very puzzled, says they treated her like child, one even patted her on head, do all judges get treated like that, do men get treated in same way, if so she not sure she can do job. Leave her to make her own mind up.
Wednesday
Lots of family cases today which is good because families always have solicitors and barristers to look after them so less work for us to do, only have to open doors for them then leave them alone. Today, however, there is noticeable lack of lawyers, just a large number of unhappy-looking clients. Would normally wait for lawyers who always turn up at last minute anyway. But eventually judges start getting impatient and shouting for work so have to take lawyerless parties in. Judges say “where is your lawyer why he not here etc”. Clients say between sobs that apparently all lawyers now on strike today, something to do with legal aid, lawyers not being paid enough so not prepared to come to court. Clearly desire to strike is becoming catching. Judges, although they were presumably lawyers themselves once having to scratch a living, show no sympathy and drag parties in to administer instant justice, all the more quickly because no loquacious lawyers to get in way thus enabling judges to go home early. Again.
Thursday
Keeping court building warm in winter and cool in summer is perennial problem usually solved by keeping building warm in summer and cool in winter. Such heating as there is has to be turned off at end of February to slow down global warming etc so that building even colder than ever during freezing spring. Judges, not being used to hardship unlike hardy staff, complain bitterly, sit in court wearing overcoats and draped in rugs and generally behave like spoilt children. Normally court manager makes soothing noises and metaphorically pats them on head but she not here today (on a bonding course in Caribbean) so no one to control judges who decide too cold to hear cases and send everybody away so they can return to their centrally heated palaces. Punters usually too nervous to worry about temperature so are at a loss to understand. Try to explain but have little sympathy either way as ushers constantly on move and do not feel as ordinary mortals do.
Friday
Among district judges’ favourite activities is making possession orders, whether for grasping building societies, inefficient council landlords or local slum owners. Usually tenants don’t bother to come or they say all the wrong things and therefore lose. Today, however, one local philanthropic lawyer has set up stall in foyer offering free advice to tenants with result that: (a) cases take much longer than the 30 seconds normally allocated; and (b) not one possession order is made. All landlords are furious and threatening to appeal while tenants run off to tell their friends how to stay put while paying no rent. Chaos all round. Only court bailiff really happy as he has to enforce these orders and will clearly have time on his hands to explain to all the debtors on his patch how to avoid paying judgment debts and giving them the necessary forms to fill in thus giving more work to court staff.
John Fortgang
