This Week's Agony Column
Q I am writing as a county court district judge on behalf of myself and judicial colleagues. We are about to be blessed by the attendance of a High Court judge who will be sitting with us for four days. This is presumably a move to motivate the staff into removing rings from their noses and studs from their tongues and to make the judiciary feel important. The judiciary are acutely anxious that we will dry upon being introduced to our visitor and as to our general behaviour. Is there a book of etiquette available to cater for such an event? A district judge on the western circuit.
A You are worrying unnecessarily. He'll be off by 10.35am each day before his clerk has had the opportunity to put the cucumber in his sandwiches. The moment counsel see there is an Honourable Sir sitting they will take fright and crack their cases. You should, however, be ready for some discourse before his list is due to start. Ideally, you could all enter his room greeting him in unison (gentle bow) and take turns in reciting from Bleak House until he strikes you down with his bare fists.
Q Court ushers are increasingly power mad. I am sick and tired of their rudeness and refusals to pass messages to the judge or make us copies of draft orders. Supermarket checkout assistants are kittens in comparison. Do you have any advice about the best ways of dealing with these idiots? Harold Bishopstow, Epping.
A It would be pointless to complain to their line managers for they will be terrified of them. The only sensible course is to creep and crawl. When checking in, thank them for allowing you into their court and leave a sweetie or two on their desk. Complimentary remarks about their clipboards and an attire related comment (“They are making new continental style robes for you when the judges get theirs in October, aren't they?”) would be especially apt in county courts or at the RCJ. And how about more substantial gifts on appropriate occasions? You probably don't think twice about dropping your dustman a tenner at Christmas to make sure he doesn't leave refuse outside your home for the following 12 months but how often do you send a yuletide or Easter gift to your usher?
Q I am due before the Solicitors Disciplinary Tribunal next month in connection with some confusion between client and office accounts. There is also a ludicrous suggestion that a sexual motive figured in my habit of sitting behind female counsel at crown court trials regardless of whether or not I was briefing her and on the bus back from court to the station. Further, I intend to plead “not guilty” to an absurd criminal charge that I conspired to falsely assert that a person other than me was at the wheel when my car went past a speed camera at 98 mph. This charge is based on the evidence of my former managing clerk who bears me a grudge and has taken me to an employment tribunal for unfair dismissal. Do you have any advice for my global situation? Name and address withheld.
A First put two chicken fillets and four large potatoes with a little oil into a gas oven at a high temperature. Then, for a soup, take two packets of spinach, a pat of butter, one shallot, a tablespoon of flour, one litre of vegetable stock and one-half litre of milk. Remove the spinach stalks and cook for three minutes in boiling water. Melt the butter and add the shallot and cook for two minutes. Blend in the flour, tip in the stock and add the spinach. Season and stir until boiling. Cover and simmer for 20 minutes. Shortly before serving, add four large drops of arsenic. Periodically check the main course by inserting your head on the middle tray of the oven.
Q You were right about the clerk from chambers and were right to be fierce with me. Unfortunately, I have got myself into a bit of another pickle. On joining an introduction agency for successful professionals—I had to produce a Mulberry handbag and proof of not less than six sets of Botox injections to my forehead in the last two years as evidence of my affluence—I attended a dinner party for a select number of members. I had made it clear that I wanted to be seated next to a classical musician with no family ties. In the event, I was placed for the first course by an electric organist who composed jingles and was separated with two children. When I complained, I was moved for the main course to partner a geriatric sex maniac. The vegetables were burnt. Needless to say I did not stay for the pudding. What is your advice, auntie? Miss Melanie Lovelace, Cupid Chambers, WC2
A I am perplexed. Do you want to know whether you have a real prospect of success on a small claim or should follow up the geriatric sex maniac?
Pending clarification, you might advertise in the personal column of one of the better newspapers or periodicals. Say that you are holding interviews for a husband and are pretty desperate.
