Agony column

When on the first of next month my judicial siblings parade in their new uniforms on the pavements outside the Royal Courts of Justice and on their benches, I fear I may be in hiding. We were all required to send in our measurements for the robe tailors but I mixed up the distance from the nape of the neck to my boots with the length of my right arm in mincing position. I also believe that my tape measure was caught over my reading lamp when the usherette took my collar size unless 34.5” is not out of the ordinary. It is too late for me to remedy the situation now. Can you advise? PS Would you recommend ebay or theatrical costumiers as the most efficient way of disposing of a short wig in tip top condition?

A judge of the Queen's Bench Division of the High Court (inside leg and waist measurements supplied)

I can well understand that your career prospects could take a steep dive if you reveal your stupidity, but do not distress yourself. What amazes me is that a High Court judge should be thought capable of providing accurate measurements of his own body without the assistance of an expert surveyor or biologist. Best pop along to M&S and requisition a Betty Jackson style mackintosh which fits you. Get your half-witted usherette to sew on some blue facings and coloured bands to denote your seniority and probably no one will be any the wiser. As to the wig, the market is flooded at the moment, darling, with Bingham memorabilia, House of Lords notepaper and the Mamma Mia film sound track. Leave it for a while.

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My firm's partnership agreement compels retirement at 60, upon development of conveyancer's overriding paralysis (which is undefined) or upon being subjected to the infliction of not less that ten acts of physical punishment in the first degree, in any period of 12 months commencing on the Quarter Day next following the making of the agreement (whichever shall first occur). In the light of the judgment of Mr Justice Eady in the Mosley case do you consider that this provision is still enforceable?

Vincent Primark-Squatter, care of the Casualty Department, Farnborough Hospital, Hants

The equitable doctrine of dominatrix lashes applies. If the punishment was inflicted in private and did not draw any or more than a couple of pints of blood of the first, second or third parts and none of the participants had parked their motor vehicles on yellow lines during the proceedings, the punishment is not only unobjectionable but is to be very much encouraged for the naughtiest of boys. The punishment part of the agreement, therefore, may well be unenforceable, depending on the particular circumstances.

Can you recommend how I might evoke sympathy for my client defendants thereby securing their acquittals on their jury trials when, strictly speaking, they have no defence in law?

Arthur Sinister, Liverpool

Crown court defendants are rarely worthy of or likely to earn the sympathy of the jury. The key to acquittal in this situation is to make the jury feel sorry for you, the advocate. What right minded juror would fail to take pity on a machine washable, drip-dry suited and long and greasy haired, public funded barrister who is humiliated into practising their art for a pittance? Beg the judge (in the presence of the jury, of course) to lend you a biro on the grounds that you cannot afford your own. Arrive at court late and plead that the bus driver took the wrong turning and that the security officer in the court foyer initially refused you admission as he believed you to be a vagrant. Excuse acquaintance with the latest case law on the basis that legal periodicals and law reports are beyond your reach. Cry occasionally. Blow your nose in used tissue and never cotton handkerchiefs. Look dirty.

It is a few years now since my work as head of intellectual law in a prestigious practice allowed me to take any time off. However, I am finally about to embark on a fortnight's leave at a Hip Hotel in Hertfordshire following severe pressure from the rest of the firm. Do you have any tips?

Randolph Norris Skipton, Southampton

I assume you have not forgotten how to publicly conduct yourself whilst on vacation, although a CPD accredited refresher course at a Central London venue on queuing for lawyers (booklet on sneezing in cinemas for lawyers included in course fee, luncheon excluded) might be advisable. You see, it is no longer prudent to berate anyone, even while on holiday, for queue jumping, as this is likely to me met with the plunging of a long-bladed knife deep into the abdomen. In relation to the office, it is imperative not to leave exposed any evidence by way of file notes or otherwise which might give an inkling to your stand in as to what has been going on with your cases. This is especially vital if you have been milking clients' accounts. A latent, patent situation, in your case—if you get my drift. Ask courts not to list any hearings while you are away. Such requests will be shredded or ignored but the file copies are good for set aside applications. Forbid clients to contact the office. Do have a good time.